Same o', same o'

Forget about the weight reduction program. I was walking by the Old Guy four days ago, he grabbed me, ran into the garage and threw me into the cat carrier. Next came Chow and then Pinot. Pinot hissed. I've never heard Pinot hiss, ever. Off to the cat condo prison for four days while the family came into town for the pretty blond New York Girl's engagement party. I guess he was worried we'd run out of the house.

Going to the cat condo prison is the surest way for us to gain weight because all there is to do there is eat and sleep. We haven't been weighed yet but I'm sure I and Pinot gained weight. Chow is a different story though. He stuffs his face. However Chow has an interesting weight maintenance system. For the ride home, the Old Guy always puts Chow and his carrier on the front seat. Then he drives really slow and careful, making no abrupt stops or turns. He creeps up on our house, parks behind the garage, turns off the motor and then looks over to check out Chow. Then Chow heaves. I mean he does the major barf in the cat carrier. He is so consistent that the Old Guy puts a towel in the carrier because he knows that the barfing session will begin as soon as he gets home. Frankly, the barfing grosses me out, but after it's over, I must say, the pile can be quite tasty. I know it sounds gross. But hey, it beats my cousin Daisy Dog's fecie fetish.

Bummer!

Over the last 3 weeks there has been a lot of disappointment in the weight department. Each of us has gained weight. The Old Guy was beside himself. Some mornings when he would go to feed us we would act disinterested. Then he went out to the garage to re-fill the dry food cannister and discovered that we had eaten through the 30 pound dry food bag and had discretionary meal time for the last month. When we went into the garage tonight to partake of the free food we discovered that the food bag was locked up in one of the cat carriers. Bummer!

Wow, That's a Lot of Cat

One and a half pounds of cat was lost this week. Amazingly, Chow, Pinot and I each lost a half pound. Finally all of our hard effort is paying off. While I can't go to the gym like Derek, I can do stairs (with Chow chasing me), sprints (with Pinot chasing me) and long distance (with Derek chasing me). I got quite a work out this week. Everyone is energized, sleeping less, begging for food more and generally eating any live plant we can find (or at least sniffing them 'cause the Old Guy has removed all of the ones we are willing to chomp). Of course there are a few negatives for the Old Guy. Instead of starting to beg for food at 6 a.m., we start at 5:30. When he grills he really can't leave any of the good stuff on the counter while he cleans the grill, even for a second. Last week a single chicken leg mysteriously walked across the room while he was outside. Lucky he caught it before it ran down stairs. Latest count: Chow, 15; Pinot, 15; me, 9 1/2.

I Must Be Depressed

I must be depressed. Don't the experts say that when you are depressed you eat more. Well all of the felines in our house must be depressed. Either that or we are gluttens. I just don't know where we are getting the extra food from. After a one week hiatus the weights are: Me, 9 1/2 lbs (flat line), Chow 15 lbs (no change), Pinot 16 1/2 (a gain of 1/2 lb). How can this be when the Old Guy is starving us, making sure there are mousies all over the place, and we are more frisky, and thus playing, a lot more than before our food rationing started? I'm worried that the Old Guy will begin implementing QE 1/2 (Quantitative Eating 1/2 rations) because he seems none too satisified with the results of the last two week's weigh-ins. I'm letting him know now that if he cuts the food supply, the cat nagging that already goes on in the house will increase proportionately. More next week (actually, less, hopefully).

Lose Weight Now . . . Ask Me How

My strategy has paid off. Between making bread on the Old Guy's lap for 10 minutes a day, fighting with Chow, chasing mouseys and Pinot, and not munching on the plastic or real palms, I have gone into the weight loss lead by losing another 1/2 pound . . . down to 9 1/2 pounds. According to Derek I have lost over 9% of my body weight which leads the pack. Chow reported no loss but may be down another quarter pound. He is starting to look like a normal cat shape. Pinot remains fat and happy. His strategy of finishing his food first so he can poach from the rest of us is obviously his problem.

Pinot's new tactic? 1-800-GET-THIN. That's the phone number for the lap band surgery. The Old Guy told him "No Way!".

Biggest Loser, Cat Edition Week 2

We had the weigh in today. The results will follow. The friskeyness in our house has picked up over the last week. I sense that Chow is very serious about this. I have been doing extra workouts in the morning, primarily by making bread on the Old Guy for 10 minutes at a time until he kicks me off his lap. I have also started a new sport: kicking the ball around the house. Chow is so serious that last night he ran outside with the Old Guy chasing him. He immediately started doing a stairs workout at the house next store. The Old Guy wouldn't chase him up the stairs because he was worried about breaking through them . . . if you saw the neighbor's house and the outside stairs you'd understand this. Chow worked out for about an hour and then came home just as the Old Guy was cursing out his tv yelling "Barkalounger stinks" . . . something about USC football. Anyway Chow came in looking more fit than ever. Pinot, however, is not getting with the program. His routine in the morning is eat his food as fast as possible so he can poach everyone elses food. Then go lay on his back in the master bathroom and take a nap. After couple of hours he curls up in the round basket and that's where he stays until dinner.

So, predictably the results are as follows: Chow weighs in at 15 1/2 lbs, a loss of 1/2 pound and total two week loss of 1 1/2 lbs. I weighed in as 10 lbs, a loss of 1/2 pound and total loss of 1/2 pound. Pinot weighed in at 16 lbs. and no loss for the week and only 1/2 pound for the two weeks. Based on the look on the Old Guy's face, I have a feeling that Pinot is not going to be sleeping as much this week.

The World's Biggest Loser, Cat Edition

We, meaning Pinot, Chow and me, have been living the good life. Apparently the Old Guy believes that we have been living the 'too good life', because, in association with Derek, he has decided that we should all lose some weight. So Derek did a cat weigh-in last week and the results were: Pinot 16 1/2 pounds, Chow 17 pounds, me 10 1/2 pounds. Well jeezzzzz, we had just returned from the pet prison in El Segundo after an 8 day sentence. We get little exercise and plenty of food so what did the Old Guy expect.

Since our return home, the Old Guy has put us on half rations. He has to guard my dish because Pinot eats his food in two bites and then comes over to sample my stuff. The rest of the day I am meowing for food so it's not like I'm not getting any exercise. Pinot just seems to sleep all day, and Chow occassionally gets into a fight with me, but otherwise I don't see him working out either. It's interesting, because when you are hungry all the time, you will go to great lengths to work out the hunger while waiting for your stomach capacity to shrink. Pinot has begun eating the plastic palm tree. Chow has lately focused on the real palm tree inside the front door and has managed to circumvent the wire fence the Old Guy constructed to keep him away from the palm. Me? I just beg all day. I don't like to eat plastic and, after Chow eats the palm, he throws up. Doesn't look fun.

So, today we had our first offical weigh-in after two weeks of diet: The results, Chow is the biggest looser, down one full pound. Way to go Chow. Pinot lost 1/2 pound. Me? It sucks, but my weight was the same. I am pretty sure I lost at least 1/4 pound, but our scale is not sensitive enough to pick it up. The next weigh-in is next Sunday. I'll report back then.

I've Been a Bad Puddy Tat

We've been locked in cat prison for about a week, when all of a sudden, the Pretty Lady showed up to get us out on parole. Apparently she had a few mishaps on her vacation to New York City. I guess she, the Old Guy's Mom and son, Derek, were supposed to leave NYC for home on Christmas Day. They ended up leaving the Old Guy behind because he was throwing up all over the apartment (24 hour flu). The Old Guy booked a flight the next day (Sunday) which turned out to be the day of one of the more fierce snow storms in NYC history. He kept booking new flights but couldn't get home until Friday, the 31st. But I digress. The Pretty Lady was also sick with the flu but a different one. She only felt like barfing but had an over 100 fever. Somehow she made it home. The next day she was supposed to pick us up. I guess she didn't have a very good day because I saw the following email posted to the Old Guy. All I can say is sorry Pretty Lady. I wish you would have told us you were sick. Maybe we would have behaved. And then again, maybe it wouldn't have made any difference.

"Here's a brief summary of my day (Sunday, December 26):
Woke up at 3:00am because I was coughing
Picked up my phone to see what time it was. Phone had ants on it (hmmmm, interesting....)
Turned on my lamp, Shirley had made me her grandmother's concoction for coughing. It was covered with ants!!!!!!! (I'm sure it would have been great, Shirley! Thank you for your thoughtfulness)
Cleaned up the ants. While I was herding and squishing that army of ants, an email came in. Phil's flight for the next day was canceled due to a blizzard.
Spent the next 2 hours checking out the weather and possible flights
Slept a little until 7:00
Got up, took a shower, went downstairs to get the rental ready for Ana (the cleaning lady). I was so weak, I could barely make the 2 beds and go up and down the stairs
Came back up, took 2 Tylenol, felt better, and went to breakfast with Shirley at Koffee Kart. Ordered my favorite avocado omelet. Only nibbled on it and took most of it home
Came home and got Shirley on her way.
Since the tree was being picked up tomorrow (our live Christmas tree which had to be returned 'cause it was rented), I needed to take the lights off (Shirley took the ornaments down). Got them totally tangled, since I'd never taken the lights down. Not fun
Ana was finished so I went down to finish the rental. Pots and pans were in a total jumble so I had to take them all out and rearrange.
Started coughing like crazy
IM'ed with Tera for a while which was so much fun
Started coughing like crazy
It's now 3:00 and I need to get the cats. In desperation I took the cough syrup with codeine. Hallelujah, it made me stop coughing enough to get in the car and pick up the cats
When I got home with them I parked behind the garage. I was being so careful not to back into the Tahoe that I didn't notice that I was crooked and scrapped the back fender of Big Red on the wall....ugh
Finally got the doors open and the cats into the garage. So relieved!
More coughing and now the chills
Put cat food out but only Chow came (hmmmm, interesting)
Called, but no Pinot or Minette......
Started looking for them......no cats....looked everywhere....no cats
Went in the garage, no cats.....then with horror, I noticed one of the garage doors was open about 6 inches...just enough for two cats to fit under (I mistakenly opened the wrong door when I was unloading the cats and didn't see that it didn't close all the way.....noooooooooooo!)
Shivering and coughing, out I went to find them.
No cats anywhere... went back in to get the cat food can....still no cats...finally after 10 minutes, Minette appeared by Kevin's house. Opened the garage door and herded her in. Yay, one down and one to go.
Searched for Pinot, but finally had to give up and go inside...no Pinot anywhere.
Looked outside...no Pinot....checked from derek's room, no Pinot. Went in Tera's room and there he was by the door meowing. Phew, finally!
Coughing, shivering, and trying to get ready to lie down......the final blow......I BARFED!
Temp over 102.
Took Tylenol and down for the night
Goodnight all!"