Same o', same o'

Forget about the weight reduction program. I was walking by the Old Guy four days ago, he grabbed me, ran into the garage and threw me into the cat carrier. Next came Chow and then Pinot. Pinot hissed. I've never heard Pinot hiss, ever. Off to the cat condo prison for four days while the family came into town for the pretty blond New York Girl's engagement party. I guess he was worried we'd run out of the house.

Going to the cat condo prison is the surest way for us to gain weight because all there is to do there is eat and sleep. We haven't been weighed yet but I'm sure I and Pinot gained weight. Chow is a different story though. He stuffs his face. However Chow has an interesting weight maintenance system. For the ride home, the Old Guy always puts Chow and his carrier on the front seat. Then he drives really slow and careful, making no abrupt stops or turns. He creeps up on our house, parks behind the garage, turns off the motor and then looks over to check out Chow. Then Chow heaves. I mean he does the major barf in the cat carrier. He is so consistent that the Old Guy puts a towel in the carrier because he knows that the barfing session will begin as soon as he gets home. Frankly, the barfing grosses me out, but after it's over, I must say, the pile can be quite tasty. I know it sounds gross. But hey, it beats my cousin Daisy Dog's fecie fetish.

Bummer!

Over the last 3 weeks there has been a lot of disappointment in the weight department. Each of us has gained weight. The Old Guy was beside himself. Some mornings when he would go to feed us we would act disinterested. Then he went out to the garage to re-fill the dry food cannister and discovered that we had eaten through the 30 pound dry food bag and had discretionary meal time for the last month. When we went into the garage tonight to partake of the free food we discovered that the food bag was locked up in one of the cat carriers. Bummer!

Wow, That's a Lot of Cat

One and a half pounds of cat was lost this week. Amazingly, Chow, Pinot and I each lost a half pound. Finally all of our hard effort is paying off. While I can't go to the gym like Derek, I can do stairs (with Chow chasing me), sprints (with Pinot chasing me) and long distance (with Derek chasing me). I got quite a work out this week. Everyone is energized, sleeping less, begging for food more and generally eating any live plant we can find (or at least sniffing them 'cause the Old Guy has removed all of the ones we are willing to chomp). Of course there are a few negatives for the Old Guy. Instead of starting to beg for food at 6 a.m., we start at 5:30. When he grills he really can't leave any of the good stuff on the counter while he cleans the grill, even for a second. Last week a single chicken leg mysteriously walked across the room while he was outside. Lucky he caught it before it ran down stairs. Latest count: Chow, 15; Pinot, 15; me, 9 1/2.

I Must Be Depressed

I must be depressed. Don't the experts say that when you are depressed you eat more. Well all of the felines in our house must be depressed. Either that or we are gluttens. I just don't know where we are getting the extra food from. After a one week hiatus the weights are: Me, 9 1/2 lbs (flat line), Chow 15 lbs (no change), Pinot 16 1/2 (a gain of 1/2 lb). How can this be when the Old Guy is starving us, making sure there are mousies all over the place, and we are more frisky, and thus playing, a lot more than before our food rationing started? I'm worried that the Old Guy will begin implementing QE 1/2 (Quantitative Eating 1/2 rations) because he seems none too satisified with the results of the last two week's weigh-ins. I'm letting him know now that if he cuts the food supply, the cat nagging that already goes on in the house will increase proportionately. More next week (actually, less, hopefully).

Lose Weight Now . . . Ask Me How

My strategy has paid off. Between making bread on the Old Guy's lap for 10 minutes a day, fighting with Chow, chasing mouseys and Pinot, and not munching on the plastic or real palms, I have gone into the weight loss lead by losing another 1/2 pound . . . down to 9 1/2 pounds. According to Derek I have lost over 9% of my body weight which leads the pack. Chow reported no loss but may be down another quarter pound. He is starting to look like a normal cat shape. Pinot remains fat and happy. His strategy of finishing his food first so he can poach from the rest of us is obviously his problem.

Pinot's new tactic? 1-800-GET-THIN. That's the phone number for the lap band surgery. The Old Guy told him "No Way!".

Biggest Loser, Cat Edition Week 2

We had the weigh in today. The results will follow. The friskeyness in our house has picked up over the last week. I sense that Chow is very serious about this. I have been doing extra workouts in the morning, primarily by making bread on the Old Guy for 10 minutes at a time until he kicks me off his lap. I have also started a new sport: kicking the ball around the house. Chow is so serious that last night he ran outside with the Old Guy chasing him. He immediately started doing a stairs workout at the house next store. The Old Guy wouldn't chase him up the stairs because he was worried about breaking through them . . . if you saw the neighbor's house and the outside stairs you'd understand this. Chow worked out for about an hour and then came home just as the Old Guy was cursing out his tv yelling "Barkalounger stinks" . . . something about USC football. Anyway Chow came in looking more fit than ever. Pinot, however, is not getting with the program. His routine in the morning is eat his food as fast as possible so he can poach everyone elses food. Then go lay on his back in the master bathroom and take a nap. After couple of hours he curls up in the round basket and that's where he stays until dinner.

So, predictably the results are as follows: Chow weighs in at 15 1/2 lbs, a loss of 1/2 pound and total two week loss of 1 1/2 lbs. I weighed in as 10 lbs, a loss of 1/2 pound and total loss of 1/2 pound. Pinot weighed in at 16 lbs. and no loss for the week and only 1/2 pound for the two weeks. Based on the look on the Old Guy's face, I have a feeling that Pinot is not going to be sleeping as much this week.

The World's Biggest Loser, Cat Edition

We, meaning Pinot, Chow and me, have been living the good life. Apparently the Old Guy believes that we have been living the 'too good life', because, in association with Derek, he has decided that we should all lose some weight. So Derek did a cat weigh-in last week and the results were: Pinot 16 1/2 pounds, Chow 17 pounds, me 10 1/2 pounds. Well jeezzzzz, we had just returned from the pet prison in El Segundo after an 8 day sentence. We get little exercise and plenty of food so what did the Old Guy expect.

Since our return home, the Old Guy has put us on half rations. He has to guard my dish because Pinot eats his food in two bites and then comes over to sample my stuff. The rest of the day I am meowing for food so it's not like I'm not getting any exercise. Pinot just seems to sleep all day, and Chow occassionally gets into a fight with me, but otherwise I don't see him working out either. It's interesting, because when you are hungry all the time, you will go to great lengths to work out the hunger while waiting for your stomach capacity to shrink. Pinot has begun eating the plastic palm tree. Chow has lately focused on the real palm tree inside the front door and has managed to circumvent the wire fence the Old Guy constructed to keep him away from the palm. Me? I just beg all day. I don't like to eat plastic and, after Chow eats the palm, he throws up. Doesn't look fun.

So, today we had our first offical weigh-in after two weeks of diet: The results, Chow is the biggest looser, down one full pound. Way to go Chow. Pinot lost 1/2 pound. Me? It sucks, but my weight was the same. I am pretty sure I lost at least 1/4 pound, but our scale is not sensitive enough to pick it up. The next weigh-in is next Sunday. I'll report back then.